After another thrilling draft featuring Byron drafting while on the taxpayer's dime, Warren broadcasting from Al-Jazeera headquarters, and a delightful soundtrack provided by DJ Shoo, the yearly draft results and predictions for each team are in.

 

Joe Gibbs Good Head

First up was the Werewolves, shortly thereafter re-named the "Joe Gibbs Good Head" (and there hasn't been this much excitement to see a team logo since the disappointing "Lindbergh Baby Casserole" logo, which failed to deliver either a baby or casserole).  

2013 Result:

After finishing 9-5 in 2012, the JGGH started the season with a 5-game losing streak and rode it straight down into their first ever Toilet Bowl berth and second #1 pick in league history.

Best Pick: Toby Gerhart

Worst Pick: Percy Harvin

Man Crush: Charles Tillman

Draft Grade: B

Predicted Finish: 6-8

Summary: It took balls to pick an unproven running back on a team that can't pass, but the JGGH put it all on the line for a Jacksonville player who, like Josh's Mom at an orgy, has a crowded box in his future.

 

Woodland Rangers

After showing signs of life in 2012 with a 7-7 overall record, the Woodland Rangers fell back to earth and continued in the ways of their predecessor by finishing 3-11 last year.  They hold the dubious distinction of having the worst winning percentage in league history, a mere .259 (if this were a fantasy baseball league they'd still suck).

Best Pick: Josh Gordon

Worst Pick: Knowshon Moreno

Man Crush: Injury-prone players

Draft Grade: D

Predicted Finish: 4-10

Summary: Their first round pick (and second overall) was amazingly a backup running back, their second round pick is a timeshare running back who's prone to injury, and their third round pick may miss the year (we didn't even mention that one of their LBs is missing most of his knee).  Drew Brees alone gets them 4 wins but if Gordon plays, they could double the predicted win total.

 

Mansfield Onanists

The Mansfield Onanists fired off back-to-back 9-5 seasons (in a tough division) before taking a step back last season and finishing at 6-8.  Perhaps this is the year the Onanists (and I thank god they don't have a team logo) gets back on track.

Best Pick: (tie) Robert Quinn and Muhammad Wilkerson

Worst Pick: DeSean Jackson

Man Crush: Christine Michael

Draft Grade: B+

Predicted Finish: 9-5

Summary: With DeSean Jackson on a new team and no longer a #1 receiver, drafting him in the second round was a gamble but Matt redeemed himself by filling out his defense nicely and adding some young prospects.  If Cruz can't return to 2011 form and Jackson doesn't pan out, there may be major issues at wideout.

 

Fighting Squirrels

Brian inherits a team with the perennial stink of losing hanging over it.  After years of futility, Andy finally realized the futility of a team that Warren drove into the ground years ago, and abandoned ship.  It will be a major effort to re-shape this turd into a winner but Brian appears up to the task.

Best Pick: Reggie Wayne

Worst Pick: Tony Romo

Man Crush: Zac Efron

Draft Grade: C+

Predicted Finish: 5-9

Summary: The team was drafted by proxy and this is Brian's first dance so we'll go easy on him.  That said, he starts off with a strong quarterback, running backs, and defensive line.  The pick of a backup QB in round 2 was questionable but Wayne may end up being a steal in the 11th round if he can return to pre-injury form.  No good can come of three Miami players on one team.

 

Whiskey Tango

The Whiskey Tango posted their worst win percentage since 2008 last year and started out the season with 6 losses in their first 7.  They attempted a comeback by not losing 6 straight (5 wins and a tie) in the second half but it wasn't enough to cover lost ground.  Apparently Warren is too busy studying the intricacies of Facebook and Twitter to manage a .500 team (either that or he's becoming a Mullah).

Best Pick: Randall Cobb

Worst Pick: Sammy Watkins

Man Crush: Josh

Draft Grade: C

Predicted Finish: 5-9

Summary: Every team needs young talent to refresh the pool but the Whiskey Tango is loaded with prospects, many of which will probably not pan out until 2015 (if at all).  With two old vets at running back and Cobb the only reliable option at WR, this team is a Nick Foles injury (or suck-ury) away from a 4 win season.  His decent DBs will bump him up to 5.  Keep an eye on them though, they may be the most stacked team of 2015.

 

Sean Taylor's Ashes

Aside from the honorable new name (RIP #21), like his taste in music, there isn't much to like about Tim's team.  After two years without a playoff appearance, Tim seems stuck at .500 and is burdened by playing in one of the WMFFL's toughest divisions.

Best Pick: Michael Crabtree

Worst Pick: Ray Rice

Man Crush: Sean Taylor (but who doesn't have this)

Draft Grade: D+

Predicted Finish: 7-7

Summary: Tim seems to always have questionable picks but manages to scrap his way to .500.  With Rivers, Bell, and Bryant he's got a big 3 that holds up well but there are plenty of question marks on defense (not to mention he protected a kicker, then drafted another one).

 

Pretend I'm Not Here

The Pretend I'm Not Here have been the lovable losers of the league for so many years, it was surprising to see them make some noise last year, finish 8-6, and narrowly miss their first playoff berth under the current ownership.  They're starting to prove that the 2-man (well man and woman) ownership model can actually work (I don't count Tim and Andy's Hempaholics and Illuminati experiment because we all know who wore the pants and who wore the dress on that team, they both did depending on who was the bottom).

Best Pick: Keenan Allen

Worst Pick: Mark Ingram

Man Crush: Saints RBs

Draft Grade: A

Predicted Finish: 9-5

Summary: Joel and Anne Marie may have finally built a winner.  This is a pretty strong team top-to-bottom and, if Shane Vereen can stay healthy, they may be one of the teams to beat this year.  Aside from a weak DL, the defense holds up as well.  For some reason they continue to violate an well-known fantasy rule, never trust Saints RBs.

 

Sacks on the Beach

Mike continues to field a competitive team year-after-year and hasn't had a sub-.500 team since 2004!  That is truly a record of success that's hard to match but this could be the year the streak ends (drafting from your kid's concert is never a good start, priorities man!) not to mention he's in what may now be the toughest division in the league.

Best Pick: Mychal Kendricks

Worst Pick: (tie) C.J. Spiller and Trent Richardson

Man Crush: Jake Locker

Draft Grade: C

Predicted Finish: 7-7

Summary: Mike drafted two of the most questionable RB's in the first three rounds (and calling them "questionable" is being nice).  He made up some ground with his defensive picks but still, there are question marks at RB, he'll need Brady to stave-off old age for another year, and he'll need is big 3 WRs to repeat last years numbers.  Mike seems to have a knack for finding gems off the waiver wire though and with his history, you can never count him out.

 

Gallic Warriors

Following three straight toilet bowl appearances and a grand total of 8-wins in those 3 seasons, Chris turned it around and went 8-6 last year behind Peyton Manning.  Is this the year he takes the next step or will this be a repeat of 2008 when he showed promise, then it all went to shit.  It doesn't help that he has 37 kids and may not have time to look at his team again until Nov.

Best Pick: Karlos Dansby

Worst Pick: LeGarrette Blount

Man Crush: Barry Goldwater

Draft Grade: B

Predicted Finish: 8-6

Summary: With 4 New England players on his team, Chris is definitely drinking the Kool-Aid in CT and he can only hope they play like it's 2007.  He has arguably the best QB in the league but his lack of a RB and question marks at wideout could be an issue.  He's in a weak division though and somebody has to win it, so we'll give it to him.

 

Crusaders

After another strong season last year (his fourth in a row), Hall continues to try and break through in the playoffs and get his first title since 2001, that may be a tall order this year but he is fortunate to play in the weakest division in the league.

Best Pick: Kendall Wright

Worst Pick: Stevan Ridley

Man Crush: Byron

Draft Grade: C+

Predicted Finish: 6-8

Summary: It was an unspectacular draft for Hall (he was drafting for two however) and he managed a slew of vanilla picks which he apparently blamed on the blinding light from Warren's big bald head.  The rain of mediocrity fell as he drafted many an exciting player, starting with two receivers on receiver-crowded teams (T.Y. Hilton and Marques Colston) then Mr. Excitement moved on to Ben Tate and Kendall Wright!  Luckily he's got a great QB and WR because they'll be the only ones keeping him in games.

 

Norsemen

The perennial team to beat, Byron finished 8-6 last year and hasn't had a record worse than 8-6 since 2005.  His team features the best RB tandem, top WR, and the top TE in the league.  There's no such thing as a "shoo-in" but he's as close as it comes in that division.

Best Pick: Cordarrelle Patterson

Worst Pick: Teddy Bridgewater

Man Crush: Hall

Draft Grade: B

Predicted Finish: 8-6

Summary: Even through he drafted in proxy through Hall (rumor has it it's not the first time he's been in Hall), "Hyron" managed a decent draft consisting mainly of prospects annd backups but he's still got a foundation that most teams would envy.  His RB duo has lots of mileage on them, and can't stay on the field forever, so I'm guessing this is the year one of them breaks down, but he's got enough juice from the others to stay in contention.

 

MeggaMen

The MeggaMen rebounded from a down year in 2012 to claim the title last year with yet another balanced team effort.  With the best winning percentage in league history and a team that continues to cause havoc in the post-season, the MeggaMen are poised for yet another strong season.

Best Pick: Barry Church

Worst Pick: Steven Jackson

Man Crush: The Washington "Football Club"

Draft Grade: A

Predicted Finish: 16-0 (you don't win by predicting your own failure!)

Summary: There has never been an undefeated team in league history but this looks like the year the MeggaMen will set the record (do the numbers add up?  No, but who cares).  If Andre Johnson and Roddy White can play like it's 2010 and Bernard Pierce turns into the next Adrian Peterson, then it's game on!

 

Season Predictions

Burgundy Division Winner: Mansfield Onanists

Gold Division Winner: Gallic Warriors

White Division Winner: MeggaMen

Wild Card: Pretend I'm Not Here

 

Playoff Winners: MeggaMen and Pretend I'm Not Here

League Champ: MeggaMen

 

GO MEGGAMEN!  WARREN SUCKS!